Sunday, 15 February 2015

50 Shades of... What the..?!

I am going to do something I have never done before today. It's making me feel a bit sick because I don't even know if it's an actual blogging crime. Like will all the other bloggers look down on me and be all like HYPERLINKS she doesn't even use them LOLZ?!
Yes, I am reposting a post. And I'm doing it in full. 
Thing is, last time I posted this it was on the blog that I now don't use. I made a whole new one when I decided I was tired of wailing about being a single independent bad ass woman and that really I just thought I would be normal and talk about normal stuff. Whatever. So anyway, today I won't be discreetly suggesting you check out the last similar post I wrote. Nope, I'm like HELLO HERE it is. 

Basically, I wrote about 50 shades last time it was trendy and because I'm a sassy babe I thought I would whip is back out (I hate myself, I really do) for a little refresh before I trot off to see the film with some of my out of control pals. 
So, here's my thoughts on the book..... Film review to follow..... 

50 shades of what the flying fuck?!.....

It was in a drunken, single I'M SUCH AN INDEPENDENT SASSY BABE moments, that a good friend – let’s call her LINDSEY (that’s her name, I just wasn’t feeling inventive) whispered in my ear the now Worldwide known phrase ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’
Thinking she was talking about a shot, I wandered back off to the dance floor and carried on pretending I was Beyonce.
The next morning, she sent me the same text ‘Seriously. Fifty Shades of Grey. Even Linda is reading it’
Well. If Linda is reading it, I think I should have a slice of the action to be honest. God bless Lindsey. I even got a second text with ‘PS. It’s £3.86 in Asda.’
On reaching  Asda, I got my first taste of the Grey Cult. It was easy to track down the book stand. It was surrounded by women who were trying their hardest to pretend they had just noticed the book on their way to the fish cakes. Every now and again, an arm darted to the shelf, grabbed a book, slung it in the trolley and flew straight back to deciding between cod and tuna.
Feeling like a single, independent woman wearing great underwear I stalked straight through and declared ‘AHHH HERE IT IS’ (I still have no idea why.) and proudly took my copy (and two tubs of Phish Food) to the checkout. As soon as the barcode is scanned, you’re in. The checkout assistant gives you the ‘welcome to the club’ smile and you leave, smiling at the smug faces of the women you know have their very own Christian Grey nestled under the Bernard Matthews.
By the time I had read the first chapter, 50 Shades was trending worldwide. By the time I had read the third book, it had sold more than Hazza P and EL James was shacking up in her new 56 bed mansion (complete with its own red room? Unconfirmed….)
Worth the hype? Whilst I was reading it, I told EVERYBODY to get it. IT WILL CHANGE YOUR RELATIONSHIP I bleated. (Because I clearly was the right person to be preaching about that).
IT WILL MAKE YOUR SEX LIFE AMAZING. (Well. No further comment. I was feeling lairy again). But, all in all? Yes, it’s great. Who doesn’t want the sex life of a nympho, only stopping to stock up on Loubs (LOUBOUTINS. LOUBOUTINS.)……
It’s when you finish reading you realise the flaws.
Let’s be honest. If Anastasia Steele was really a virgin, would she have got into the swing of things quite so quickly!? Good effort and all that but….. Something just doesn’t work there for me.
Secondly. Does anybody else feel slightly uncomfortable with the phrase ‘he cups my sex’?! …..I’m absolutely certain it is one of the most over used lines of the entire trilogy. I can deal with Kinky Fuckery. I can deal with the red room. Hell, I can deal with hard limits…. But ‘he cups my sex’?! Nah. I’m not interested in that.
Despite book number one having the slowest start to a story known to mankind, I think the rest of the trilogy moves far too quickly with only sex gluing it (ahem) together.
Fifty Shades Darker has the best story line, without a doubt, however, I can’t help but admit the ending to Fifty Shades Freed left me seriously disappointed.  Personally, I was gagging for a twist at the end… and I thought one was on its way when Mr. Grey stepped into the narrator’s shoes. But no. He practically just re writes everything you already know in what I consider quite a lazy attempt at an ending.
And now? Now I am sick to death of seeing the words.  I am pissed off I have even written about it to be honest. In fact, if you have read this, I don’t blame you for being annoyed either. If I have to look at one more status about it (or one more disturbing text from my Dad asking if he should buy it for my mum) I will explode.
Laters, Ba….Oh for fu….


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